I am sure at one point or another, many of us have wondered, “Why are we attracted to emotionally unavailable people?” Perhaps you’ve found yourself drawn to someone who gives just enough attention to keep you hopeful, but never enough to make you feel secure.
Though not all the same, many emotionally unavailable people are considered to be “hot and cold”. One day, they are obsessed with you, and the next day, poof, they are missing in action. This often leaves you sitting there, confused and anxious, overthinking all your interactions and trying to “fix” what could have changed the relationship. Though a large part of you may know this person is not meeting your needs, you still cannot seem to let go. If this sounds like you, you may be wondering why?
Am I broken? Am I going to attract this forever?
You are not alone in this feeling, nor are you broken. Rebound Total Health’s team of therapists in Hamilton often tackles these questions with clients.
Let’s explore emotional unavailability, why it seems all too familiar and what you can do to break this pattern. To understand why we are attracted to emotionally unavailable people, we first need to define what emotional unavailability looks like.
What is Emotional Unavailability?
Though this can take many different shapes and forms, usually, those who are emotionally unavailable struggle to form deep and meaningful emotional connections. Maybe familiar to you, this may look like:
- Running away from hard or emotionally charged conversations
- Showing up inconsistently both with their words and actions
- Emotional intimacy and closeness occur, and the individual begins to distance and pull away
- Surface-level or unlabeled relationship
- Lack of emotional depth– skimming the surface emotionally
Often, there is no bad intent behind these actions; it is quite often the case that they may not have the capacity as of now to show up and act in the ways a healthy and secure relationship would need to function.
So, why are we attracted to emotionally unavailable people, even when we know it’s not good for us?
So why is it You Keep Going Back?
We are often our own worst critics, in that we easily blame ourselves for the situations or patterns we fall into. Let’s kinder to ourselves. We need to recognize there are often valid reasons why we are drawn to these kinds of people and situations, no matter how anxiety-provoking or stressful they may be.
A few reasons this may occur include:
1. Childhood Unmet Needs
If childhood looked like wanting a certain love and never receiving it, experiencing inconsistent parenting or conditional love. This often leaves a void to be filled, or a person yearning for love and connection. These emotionally unavailable individuals may mimic patterns all too familiar from childhood; this time, you are hoping things will be different, and they will choose you unconditionally.
2. The Thrill
Alongside early childhood unmet needs, when we become accustomed to certain patterns, we get used to “the chase”. Love and connection become something we have to work for, not something we deserve in our minds. This makes these connections feel all the more intense. Our anxiety and stress rise, which to some, may feel like passion and exhilaration, but in reality, it is our nervous system going into action.
It is all about the pattern, not necessarily the person– if we get used to the roller coaster ride, we may not notice the patterns until we finally get off and begin walking– though unstable at first, the footing is eventually found.
3. Fear of Intimacy
Getting emotionally close to someone for most sounds normal and comforting, but to others can be a frightening experience. Sometimes we are subconsciously drawn to the emotionally unavailable from a deep inner fear of getting too close and being truly seen for who you are.
Now.. How Do We Break the Cycle?
With time, effort, support, self-compassion and kindness, we can begin to change the narrative.
Some ways we can start this include:
Offering Ourselves Curiosity and Compassion
Quite often, we are our own worst critics. We may ask ourselves, “Will this ever change?”, “What is wrong with me?” – when instead we can reframe that question, “What is this serving me?” By reducing the internal shame and blame, we can begin to open ourselves up to growth and learning new things
Track How You Feel
When we are immersed in a connection, we feel safe and secure, which most people describe as bliss, not like a rollercoaster. One can begin to notice the bodily reactions and emotional responses to people around them. Do they make you feel uneasy? Anxious? Alone?
Explore Through Therapy
Therapy can help us unpack the deeper reasons behind why we are attracted to emotionally unavailable people and give us tools to break the cycle.
Attracting emotionally unavailable people is often rooted in the early childhood attachments made. Through therapy, one can begin to unpack the roots of these dynamics – slowly and at your own pace, guiding you to a new way of connecting that feels healthy and grounded to you and your needs.
It is possible…
Wanting security, safety, and emotional consistency is not “asking too much”; it is a healthy and natural human need and want. You deserve a connection that feels safe, warm and consistent, a connection that does not leave you questioning where you stand or what could have been done differently.
So, are you ready to explore this more? Therapy can be a wonderful place to start. Throughout this journey, you will never be alone.
Understanding Why You’re Attracted To Emotionally Unavailable People
Work through these patterns with help from our therapists. Rebound Total Health offers therapy services in Hamilton and virtually.
Contact our clinic today to book a free 15-minute consult or learn more about our therapists.
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