Grief & Loss - A personal Reflection
Loss is an inevitable part of life and something everyone experiences eventually at some point or another in their life. Death is most often associated with grief, a response that is associated with loss. The pain of loss can feel overwhelming, especially if it is the first time you are experiencing a loss as painful as the unexpected death of a loved one. Grief can also be experienced at the loss of a relationship, health, a job, a cherished dream, or a life one wished for. Even life transitions, are sometimes accompanied by loss, for example, graduating from college or moving away from home or in my own personal case, moving to another country.
Albeit having had many losses in my life, the one that I still remember vividly even though it has been over a decade since its occurrence is the unexpected death of my best friend who was recovering from cancer. This was my first experience with loss and taught me the hard lesson that grieving is a highly individual experience usually accompanied by many difficult and intense emotions. These emotions may include anger, sadness, profound emptiness, guilt, numbness, regret and a lot of others uncomfortable and unwelcome emotions that one may just not be ready to experience. This often results in the individual avoiding the grieving process and stepping away from any memories associated with the loss or an individual that they have lost.
There are many ‘symptoms’ associated with grief. One can experience shock and disbelief at having to accept what has happened, sadness caused by the pain of what has happened, fear at how unpredictable the future is and anger at themselves, at God, at the doctors or even the person you lost. One may also regret at leaving things unsaid and guilt at an inability to prevent the loss even if it was completely out of your hands. One may even feel guilty for moving forward and giving themselves the permission to mourn or even heal. On a physical level grief can manifest as fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains and insomnia.
Some of the key lessons I learned from loss in my own life are that –
1) Grief is a unique process and will be unique to you regardless of what anyone says
2) It’s painful and not allowing yourself to mourn the in the guise of “strength” only makes things harder. Avoiding the pain in the moment may seem tempting; however, it often leads to complications such as depression or health problems. As difficult as it may seem, to heal, one needs to acknowledge the pain.
3) People may advise you to be “strong” however this could be more about themselves feeling awkward and not knowing how to comfort someone experiencing a frightening and intense emotion such as grief. Especially when they have never experienced it themselves. It is an awkward situation for them where it would be offensive not to reach out and say something, but a lack of experience with a similar loss may result in them saying something that does not help and is hurtful instead.
4) A creative outlet such as writing to the person who has departed, or drawing and creating something in remembrance of the departed can be cathartic
5) Reach out to a therapist. It is a difficult transition and there is no hard and fast rule that states you need to go through it alone.
6) There is no time frame for grief, it is completely normal to feel extremely sad for more than a year and sometimes many years. There is once again, no reason to adhere to time frames for mourning or grief established by other people.
7) Look towards spirituality or religion if it is a source of comfort.
Bereavement is the grief and mourning experience of the death of someone important to you. And unfortunately, there is no easy way to get through it. Jamie Anderon, the author of Doctor Who said “grief I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corner of your eyes, the lump in your throat and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go”. This quote really stuck to me while I was grieving as it was love (for the person lost, for the memories that could be made and a future that would never come to pass) I was experiencing which had no place to go.
Anne Roiphe sates that grief is in two parts, the first is loss and the second is the remaking of life. For me, I realized I was healing when I was able to be the things, I loved most about the people who are gone and treasure the fond memories I had with them, grateful that they were a part of my life. Be it my pets or my favorite humans. I believe this way; I can keep some part of them alive within me.
One of the kindest things you can do for someone experiencing an unfathomable loss is to hold space and provide safety and compassion in your relationship for them to express whatever it is they want to express put out there, even if it is difficult emotions such as anger and contempt at the departed.
Need support navigating grief in your own life? Reach out Today!
