Self-compassion: The tool to breaking free
In a world where instances of compassion may be few and far between, we often see this act as something that is optional. Our beliefs, attitudes, and values are what make up our worldview. As we notice the increase in differences in worldviews on social media, the news, public and private spaces, there is usually one important tool that is leading to a lack of understanding: compassion. This may be a result of one’s need to be right, need to be informed, and need for informing others. So, why do we keep doing this? Somewhere along our life path, we were conditioned to stand up for what we believe in (great), but were we also told to be compassionate towards others doing the same, and more importantly, to be compassionate towards ourselves when it comes to our own beliefs, attitudes, and values? Compassion towards others is great and all, but we need not forget the importance of establishing a healthy foundation of self-compassion first and foremost.
What is self-compassion?
In today’s society, the concept of self-compassion is often regarded as one of those ‘buzz words.’ But what does it actually mean?! Self-compassion can be described as being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we fail, suffer, or feel inadequate – moving away from self-criticism and towards acceptance. To successfully delve deeper into the issues pertaining to others and genuinely be in tune with their emotions, experiences, and feelings, one must be caring, attentive, forgiving, and loving towards oneself first.
How does it operate?
There are three foundational components of self-compassion including, self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness
1. Self kindness - is seen as the ability to be kind to ourselves, especially when we are going through a dark phase or experiencing turmoil.
2. Common humanity - belief that allows us to recognize our suffering and failures as part of the human experience while acknowledging that pain is something that is shared among all humanity.
3. Mindfulness – The process of being present in the acknowledgment of feelings and thoughts instead of avoiding them. It teaches individuals to sit with and accept their experiences while not dwelling on them.
Okay I got it, but how do we practice self-compassion?
As we move through chapters of our life pathway, our anxiety, stressors, comparisons and struggles tend to get the best of us and the self-critical cycle is continuously reinforced. Whether its comparing ourselves to society’s high expectations, receiving criticism from peers or authority figures in our life, or perhaps receiving minimal compassion and extra critique from parents or loved ones, we can’t seem to escape the self-critical cycle. Over time, and continued reinforcement, this negative self critical cycle becomes automatic. The trick to fostering higher levels of self compassion is to interrupt these automatic cycles with evidence that can discredit the negative thoughts and make space for positive or balanced thoughts to integrate. Here are some ways to turn down volume of self-criticism and crank up the self-compassionate voice!
Gratitude – Respect and appreciate the ways you have improved, the opportunities you have, and the things in life you are grateful for. Recommended: practice a daily gratitude journal!
Be gentle – Although we are on a journey of self-improvement, we must understand that this is an ongoing process throughout life. It is not something ‘to be accomplished’ it is a continuous practice and therapeutic change can progress slowly. The slower the change, the more concrete it will stand. Recommended: for every negative thing you say to yourself, reframe it in a calm, gentle way! Try writing these new reframed thoughts out for extra positive reinforcement.
Mindfulness – Can be done through meditation, bringing awareness to the present. Being mindful of our thoughts, actions, feelings, as well as the simple behaviours such as eating, bathing, teeth brushing, and more! Recommended: find your favourite mindfulness app and spend 5 minutes of day practicing!
Advice from a friend – Imagine your friend is explaining the same hard experience as you. What would you say to this friend to remind them of the things that are beyond their control or out of their capacity to accomplish? This can teach us to apply our understanding of compassion towards others onto ourselves. Recommended: you can even try writing yourself a letter, from the perspective of a loved one or friend!
These are just some simply ways to start building up the self-compassionate muscle! With practice, self compassion becomes stronger and one day, will hopefully be your automatic thought! For some, the journey to achieving self-compassion is met with many obstacles. If you think you could benefit from some added support on your journey to becoming more self-compassionate, reach out, I’d love to help you!
As Ellen always says, be kind to one another. But don’t forget to be kind to yourself, because the most important person in your life should be you.
Meet our student counsellor and author of this post, Melanie Saija!
Melanie Saija
BSc., MACP (In Progress)
Student Counsellor
melanie@reboundtotalhealth.ca
“I genuinely enjoy connecting with people and exploring various problem-solving options. I definitely resonate with the idea of being a ‘people person’ and think my natural ability to connect with individuals from all walks of life is one of my greatest strengths in the work I do. I love collaborating with my clients to help them overcome their goals.”
