Feeling our Feelings
I sat, shifting uncomfortably in the white leather chair, the room silent except for the subtle sound of squeaking leather and the quiet hum of the central heating kicking on. My eyes darted around the room, looking anywhere except at my therapist, who sat opposite me, her expression open and kind, waiting quietly for my response. I have always hated silence–it feels uncomfortable and awkward, loaded with the expectation either of response to whatever came before or of a new, interesting subject.
In this case, the silence expected the former. My therapist had just asked me that dreaded question:
“How did that make you feel?”
With others, I am easily able to engage their feelings and experiences and love to listen to them share openly with me. I do not, however, always know what to do with my own feelings–particularly those uncomfortable, yucky ones: anger, sadness, regret, frustration, guilt… I prefer to avoid those as much as possible.
But now, there I sat in therapy, forced to engage my feelings on a deeper level than I prefer.
Feelings, psychologically speaking, are rather like messengers–they communicate something else. My anger tells me that a boundary has been crossed or that injustice has occurred. My regret tells me that I wanted a different solution or that, even if my choice was correct, in making it I have lost something else that mattered to me. My guilt tells me I have made a decision that violated my morality or did not align with my values. All those so-called negative emotions are essentially tools for the brain to tell me something about the things going on around me. They communicate meaning and provide information about how circumstances and events are impacting me. They are not themselves facts of reality or part of my personality.
But, if you are anything like me, you may nevertheless be at least slightly uncomfortable with your emotions. They seem somehow more serious than messengers. They seem deeper, even bad, especially the feelings viewed as negative. Anger, regret, sorrow, guilt, and other negative emotions feel unsafe somehow, and you may prefer to ignore them, suppress them, and pretend they don’t exist. That response, however, is not necessarily innate to you as a person. Although some people are born more naturally in tune with their own emotions than others, much of the groundwork of emotional intelligence–which involves the ability to recognize, monitor, and control one’s emotions–begins in childhood.
Maybe when you were sad as a child, you were told to “man up” or “be a big girl”.
Maybe, when you were angry, you were told to “stop crying and go to your room until you can behave properly”.
Maybe, when you were unregulated as a child, your parents ignored you, yelled at you, or sent you into a timeout, and you were left alone, uncertain how to handle these big emotions but believing they must be somehow unacceptable to feel.
From infancy, you needed your parents or caregivers to soothe you and regulate your emotions. As a toddler, you experienced a lot of really big emotions that you did not know how to deal with alone, leading to meltdowns and tantrums. You needed your parents/caregivers to show you–through their actions and words–the way to constructively regulate your emotions. Even into preschool, kindergarten, and elementary school, you needed your caregivers to help you regulate your emotions and support you as you learned to self-soothe. However, if you were constantly told to “man up” or “be strong”; if you were sent to your room or left alone in a time-out; if you were punished or chastised–chances are, you struggle now, as an adult, to feel those deeper feelings. It seems wrong or unsafe, because you learned as a child that those feelings were bad and unacceptable, and that expressing those (or even just feeling them) would lead to disconnection, isolation, or your parent’s displeasure. So you learned to suppress and avoid those feelings rather than feel them. This defense worked to protect you as a child, but now, as an adult, such techniques can no longer work. In fact, suppressed emotions can manifest in very real ways in our lives, taking the form of anxiety, depression, low self esteem, and poor communication styles. We need to learn how to recognize, feel, and express our emotions in helpful and constructive ways.
That leads me back to that moment in the chair in my therapist’s office, as I tried to think of a way to avoid addressing how a specific situation made me feel.
I thought about intellectualizing my feelings, spending time talking about the emotion I was experiencing and the trigger that caused it and even where I felt that emotion in my body, all while remaining in my mind and still essentially avoiding the emotion. However, I knew my therapist would recognize my continued attempt to put off feeling my feelings and so decided against that approach.
Instead, I took a risk. Pushing through the fear, I opened my mouth.
“It made me feel really angry and a bit resentful.”
I allowed myself to acknowledge and sit in that feeling, even though a part of me felt scared and guilty for feeling it in the first place. And you know what? Within a few minutes, the feeling passed. I did not somehow become a bad person for feeling that feeling. I didn’t become completely overtaken by the emotion, unable to control it. Instead, I was validated and cared for by my therapist, and, even more so, I was able to validate and care for myself. Then, I could figure out what my emotion was trying to tell me and determine the best action to take.
So, next time you feel a big feeling and want to ignore it, suppress it, or distract yourself from it, let me challenge you to try these four steps instead (Beckner, 2020):
Name the feeling- stop for a minute and recognize what specifically you are feeling. Try to name it without judgment.
Allow the feeling sensations in your body- focus on where the emotion is appearing in your body. Do you feel it in your legs? Stomach? Arms? Focus on the physical feelings for a minute.
Mindfully investigate what is at the heart of that feeling- recognize where that emotion is coming from and what it is communicating to you. Again, try to avoid judgment.
Bring compassion to your experience- show yourself kindness in this situation, responding to yourself as you would to a loved one. Say things like “I know this is hard” or “I am here for you.” (for more on this, see our blog post on self-compassion https://www.reboundtotalhealth.ca/blog/self-compassion-the-tool-to-breaking-free)
Using these four simple steps, you can begin to practice feeling your feelings. I know first-hand that these exercises are so difficult, especially at the start. Unlearning long-standing patterns of behavior will take time and practice. However, I also know first-hand how beneficial this exercise can be. By allowing myself to feel those hard, negative emotions, I can give myself the care and support I need to effectively regulate myself. Allowing feelings to exist does not equate embracing whatever action you want to take. Just because you really want to yell at your kids, eat an entire pint of ice cream, or spend an entire day crying about everything that makes you feel sad does not mean you should (though you are not a bad person if you have done these things!). Rather, feeling your feelings allows you to be aware of reality and see what areas of your life need support or attention. Then, you can begin to make positive changes where needed.
I challenge you to try these 4 steps this week, at least once, and then tell us about it! It may take time, but your mental health and wellbeing is worth it!
Meet our consultation counsellor and author of this post, Charis!
Charis Visser
Client Coordinator Intern
I'm here to help you find the right therapist, to get started on your journey to Bounce Back.
